Happiness

Happiness is the worst Goal possible to set for yourself.

As a life coach I’m a big fan of setting goals that are SMART.

• Specific

• Measurable

• Achievable

• Relevant

• Time- bound

So I was slightly perplexed when ‘Being Happy’ appeared as one of my top goals after doing a common goal setting exercise called ‘Be Do Have’.

There was nothing SMART about it and yet I still felt that it was my goal.

This made me question the concept of Happiness in general;

• What is Happiness?

• How do we achieve Happiness?

• How do we know that Happiness has been completed?

This deconstruction of happiness lead me down a rabbit hole this week.

What is Happiness?

Happiness is a complex subjective concept. One persons idea of Heaven is another persons idea of Hell.

When I think of happiness its generally as an emotional reaction to the experience of doing or having something.

The difficulty with thinking of happiness in this way is that once we have done or obtained something our happiness begins to fade and we have to seek more and more until our baseline for happiness is too high.

What makes you happy today may not make you happy in 6 months time.

In order for us to achieve the goal of happiness we have to start thinking of how to sustain it long term.

Our brains are naturally stimulated by the thought of eternal happiness being acheived via external sources. This is why most successful Hollywood movies depict the main characters going from a life of misery to happily ever after.

We know that things don’t work this way in real life yet we still pursue happiness as if its everlasting.

What I thought could bring me Happiness

I used to subscribe to the FIRE movement (Financial Independence, Retire Early). I saved as much money as I could each month by living as frugally as possible. My plan was investing it all in the stock market and amassing a fortune over 20-30 years. Then I would be happy and live life to the fullest.

The problem was that earning the money to invest meant selling my time to a job that made me feel like crap. It turned out I was willing to sacrifice an expensive lifestyle but I could not sacrifice my Time, 20 years of it was too much.

50 cent wanted to ‘Get Rich or Die Trying’. I’d wanted to Get Rich and Then Die.

The self awareness of how unhappy I was lead me on an explorative journey to find another way of achieving happiness.

Maslows Hierachy of Needs

Abraham Maslow was a psychologist who came up with a way to understand what people need in their lives to be happy and fulfilled.

He organised these needs into a pyramid called Maslows Hierarchy of Needs.

Interestingly amassing a fortune doesn’t appear relevant to any of the needs. Lets break them down:

1. Physiological needs- The basics that your body needs to survive, food, water, air and a place to sleep. This has to be in place before building anything else.

2. Safety needs- Having a home where you feel secure. Being healthy. Having a routine that helps you know what to expect and feel safe.

3. Love and Belonging- As social creatures humans need friends and family, feeling loved and belonging to a group.

4. Esteem Needs- Feeling good about yourself, having confidence, being respected by others and doing things that make you feel proud.

5. Self Actualization- Once all other needs are met you can focus on becoming the best version of yourself by pursuing passions, being creative and reaching your full potential.

So money certainly makes it easier to fulfil the 1st and 2nd steps of the pyramid but after that it has a much weaker influence.

What do Happy People Know that I don’t?

Following on from Maslows insights I started reading about eastern philosophy. I was especially intrigued by the story of Buddah.

Basically Buddah was a prince that left his palace to understand the world beyond. He encountered sickness, old age and death, which made him ponder life’s suffering. He renounced his royal status and life of luxury and became ascetic. He practiced extreme forms of self denial, whilst seeking spiritual understanding through meditation. Eventually under the Bodhi tree, he attained enlightenment.

Buddah limited his physiological and safety needs as well as isolating himself from belonging to a group. Despite this he was still able to achieve enlightenment, the ultimate happiness. In Maslows hierachy he jumped straight to the top of the pyramid through the process of sitting meditating.

My mind was opened to the idea of happiness not being dependent on external factors but on the internal state of your mind.

Books that helped my understanding further:

• ‘The Monk who Sold his Motorcycle’ by Robin Sharma

• ‘Zen Mind, Beginners Mind’ by Shunryu Suzuki

Mindfulness

I wanted to know how to control the internal state of my mind but some of the lessons and concepts from eastern philosophy were abit abstract.

I started consuming knowledge from western philosophers, psychologists and neuroscientists for further explanations.

My curiosity peaked as I noticed more books and podcasts discussing mindfulness meditation practice as a basis for living your best life.

The seeds of Self Actualisation

I realised my plan of prolonged suffering would be for nothing if when I finally got to financial independence my life had no meaning or purpose.

As this started to sink in I became more and more discontent with my day job. I decided to finally give mindfulness practice a go in the hope of achieving happiness in a better way.

This is when everything changed and I realised that I could be happy anytime I chose, just by mastering my mind.

Emotional Contagion

In Daniel Goleman’s book ‘Emotional Intelligence’ he talks about the concept of ‘Emotional Contagion’ and illustrates this with the following story that sticks in my mind.

During the Vietnam War, American soldiers were in a fierce battle with the Vietcong in rice paddies. Six monks walked calmly through the firefight without getting shot at. This courageous calm of the monks had a powerful effect on the soldiers, making them lose the will to fight.

This is an extreme example but the thing about true happiness is that its contagious.

The happy positive vibes you feel can spread to everyone around you and make life more enjoyable.

The 5 key elements of Happiness

Lets look at one final framework for happiness from the field of positive psychology.

Martin Seligman proposed the PERMA model. There are five essential elements that contribute to well-being and happiness.

1. Positive Emotion (P): Experiencing any form of enjoyment such as joy, gratitude and satisfaction.

2. Engagement (E): Being fully absorbed and involved in activities that provide a sense of flow and fulfilment.

3. Relationships(R): Building and maintaining meaningful connections with others.

4. Meaning (M): Having a sense of purpose and feeling that one’s life has significance.

5. Accomplishment (A): Setting and achieving goals that lead to a sense of accomplishment and mastery.

For me personally this model includes everything that I’m now focusing on to move towards my goal of Happiness.

My previous thoughts about happiness being purely an emotional reaction was only one part of the story.

In order to achieve sustainable happiness we have to ensure the other 4 elements stay constant as well.

This means continually working towards goals created in each of these areas and ensuring we have the right balance.

What are my reasons for wanting to be Happy?

I want this because it feels good and has a positive impact on others.

• When I’m happy I’m able to perform optimally

• When I’m happy I’m more resistant to stress

• When I’m happy I can see past the negativity and meanness people project. I can see their core human intentions of wanting happiness themselves.

Happiness helps immensely when working with people, forming relationships and influencing people. Just like the monks in Vietnam when people see that you’re a happy non-combatant, they lose the will to fight you.

Summary

• Chasing momentary happiness from external circumstance is futile. As soon as you reach the destination the happiness fades and the journey starts over.

• Mindfulness practice can produce inner happiness independent of external circumstance.

• Emotional contagion has the power to induce happiness in other people.

• Sustainable happiness is multi-faceted and to achieve it we have to maintain a balance of activity in, flow, relationships, purpose and mastery.

Thats all for now

Lewis

What are your ‘Be’ goals?

Let me know in the comments and I’ll write about them.

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