The Belief that Held me Back my Whole Life

Have you ever been talking to someone and thought…

How could you possibly believe that?

Where does that come from?

I’m not just talking about the comical flat earthers or 5G conspiracy theorists. I’m talking about real, intelligent, successful people who are being held back from their dreams because of beliefs they thought to be true.

Spoiler alert I’m talking about myself here.

On my journey to become a Life Coach I’ve had to explore and understand my own belief systems in order to help others come to terms with their own.

For me this has been an internal conversation about the negative beliefs I had and am still working on even now.

To summarise it goes, You’re;

• Bad at public speaking

• Socially awkward

• Too shy

I was quiet and shy as a kid, I couldn’t talk to anyone unless I was comfortable and familiar with them. I just couldn’t handle new people, my brain overloaded with information and just went offline.

To my closest friends it must have seemed like I was a completely different person in certain situations.

The real trouble started in secondary school, there were so many new kids that I just imploded inside myself. I was hopeless at talking to girls especially. I was plagued by judgemental remarks like;

“Why are you so shy?”

“You never talk!”

“Why are you so quiet?”  

The tone always seemed passive aggressive verging on hostile with a hint of ridicule. I’m sure that wasn’t the intention but that’s how it felt in my mind and how I developed this belief…

“If people find out that my brain doesn’t work they will ridicule me, its best to avoid any situation that puts me on display in front of new people.”

Public speaking or lots of new social interactions was completely off the table from that point.

For me having this realisation was actually really powerful. Even writing it out now makes me feel like ‘damn a big chunk of my life is explained by one sentence’.

This is how it hits when we identify a long held unconscious belief.

The Origins of Beliefs

Beliefs originate in childhood and adolescence. These are the years when the self-image and belief patterns are formed. The messages I described above were unfortunately received from others during this period. 

They can be from parents, teachers, peers, media, religion. During this period any negative messages received are programmed into the subconscious mind.

This process is essential for children to learn valuable lessons. When a parent scolds a child for running out into the road they send a strong negative message to the child. This results in them learning not to cross the road without looking.

The subconcious mind stores all negative messages with equal value. So they continue to control our behaviour throughout our life regardless of their utility.

Beliefs are defined as “A principle accepted as true or real without proof. An opinion, a conviction.”

Beliefs are the thoughts and ideas that are no longer questioned. We are talking about the beliefs people have about themselves not religious beliefs.

Belief systems are what drives us, they are what pulls the strings from the depths of our subconcious.

If we try to improve our lives without knowing our beliefs — the chances are that at some point we will find ourselves being tugged back by a belief we are attached to without realising.

We can’t control what happens to us in childhood and what beliefs are stored.

Its our duty as Adults that want to live our best lives to go back and discover the beliefs that were programmed. We then have the choice to decide whether they are still relevant or helpful to our current lives.

The problem is that the majority of people don’t want to do this.

1. They aren’t aware they even have the limiting beliefs in the first place

2. Its uncomfortable to think about the negative past experiences that beliefs come from

3. People are identified with the belief so strongly that the idea of changing feels like self annihilation.

The Impact of Beliefs on Your Life

Beliefs can be either negative or positive. We know negative beliefs limit our achievements by influencing our actions and creating self-fulfilling prophecies.

But what about the other side of this, what are the positive impacts of beliefs we might be missing out on?

A famous experiment conducted by Rosenthal & Jacobson in 1968 demonstrated the power of beliefs perfectly. Teachers were falsely lead to believe that a group of children within their class was more able than the rest. The result was this group of children got increased self esteem and higher grades than their equally able counter parts.

Beliefs are what separate people who have identical abilities. Just think of how important beliefs are in professional athletes. If their opponents are equally matched the only way to outperform them is to believe they can.

Even when I played basketball I remember my team getting berated by our coach for being outperformed by equally matched teams. "They want it more!"

This is why athletes spend so much time training their mindset as well. The mental game is just as important as the physical game.

Beliefs don’t even have to be rational to have an impact. Consider another example of a positive but irrational belief. How many of us at one point or another have believed in a lucky charm whether its an item of clothing or piece of equipment?

We believe that it improves our performance and that’s all it takes for us to actually perform better.

Perceptions are filtered by your Beliefs

The wiring of your brain is actually altered by your beliefs. There is a cluster of cells within the brain that acts as a filter to perceptions. Only information that is consistent with your beliefs and goal is accepted. The information that is irrelevant and doesn’t fit your picture of life is rejected.

You interpret life and what happens to you in the light of your beliefs. Your brain only looks for the evidence that will support your stance and excludes everything else.

This is part of the reason why the covid pandemic caused absolute chaos!

Trying to change the beliefs of covid deniers within a 10 minute period was pointless. It was like speaking to a brick wall, they only heard what they wanted to hear.

2 people may look at the same picture but see completely different images based on their beliefs

The first person believes dogs are friendly and safe

The second person believes dog are vicious attackers

Can you imagine where their beliefs may have come from?

Once you’ve accepted that your beliefs may be interfering with your quality of life its important to reflect on them. You can talk to other people and hear different beliefs that may be helpful to try on. You can journal about your beliefs and see what comes up when you spill the contents of your mind onto the page.

The best person to speak to is a trained professional such as a life coach. They can act as a neutral, non-judgemental third party between you and your beliefs. They can also challenge your beliefs without imposing their own.

Reprogramming Your Beliefs

When people ignore their desire for change they are letting their beliefs decide who they are.

When people embrace the discomfort of change they are choosing who they want to be and deciding what beliefs are necessary to make that happen.

Our most troublesome beliefs are stored within our subconscious minds. If we can reprogramme our subconscious beliefs we can live life exactly how we want to without being held back.

For example, the belief I had about people finding out my brain didn’t work held me back from practicing my public speaking skills.

Bear in mind I want to be able to speak to people confidently because its an essential part of being a Life Coach and also connecting and sharing with people.

I couldn’t honestly tell myself that I didn’t want it. Thats an excuse.

If I could wave a magic wand and give myself any skill that I lacked I would choose public speaking, I wouldn’t choose to be wine connoisseur for example.

Affirmations

Affirmations are positive statements or phrases that are repeated regularly with the intention of influencing your thoughts, feelings and behavior.

We can use them to develop new helpful beliefs and push out the negative or limiting beliefs.

Here’s how I did mine:

“Its (insert date) and I am a confident charismatic speaker.”

“Its (insert date) and I am a fulfilled full time Life Coach.”

“Its (insert date) and I feel completely at peace in front of others.”

Notice that when you create affirmations they need to be stated in positive sentences. Don’t be tempted to think something like ‘I’m not socially awkward”. Your subconscious will ignore the ‘not’ and focus on helping you be more socially awkward.

Also its important to state them in the present which is why I include the date. It tricks you into believing that you already possess the ability which is part of the magic.

Affirmations are like the hitting the nitrous button as you drive a car, they accelerate you faster towards your goal.

Over time repetition can promote neuroplasticity where new neural connections associated with the desired thoughts and behaviours form making them more ingrained and automatic.

Positive Mental Attitude

A positive mental attitude means having a positive, resilient mindset underpinned by gratitude and a belief in your ability to overcome challenges.

Regardless of the goal you are moving towards, your chances of success are multiplied significantly by having a positive mental attitude.

Thinking back to my previous newsletter on sales, this is a great example of the importance of having postive mental attitude.

Daniel Pink, the author of 'To Sell is Human' talks about a concept called Buoyancy. This is the ability to 'stay afloat in the ocean of rejection'.

Rejection, refusals and repudiations are an expected feature of sales. The same issues crop up when moving towards any goal in life.

Studies have shown that sales people "with an optimistic explanatory style— who saw rejections as temporary rather than permanent, specific rather than universal , and external rather than personal— sold more insurance and survived in their jobs much longer."

This begs the question how can we develop this kind of positive mental attitude?

Here’s 3 tips:

1) When you reflect on your day try to think of at least 3 positive experiences you’ve had for every 1 negative experience. Actively maintain a 3 to 1 positivity ratio everyday. Too much higher verges on being delusional. Too much lower and there is no benefit.

2) There’s always a choice between a positive interpretation and a negative interpretation. Remember temporary, specific and external. Force yourself to choose the positive explanation.

3) Let go of absolute perfection. Set goals in short-term steps and celebrate success. View failure as a learning opportunity and an outcome that can be changed.

Challenge Your Beliefs

I want to share with you a coaching exercise that will help you to challenge your beliefs.

We all have a tendency to create rules for ourselves about how we should be in different areas of our lives. We want a sense of control within the chaos of life, this is natural. But these rules can also sometimes creates stress and a feeling of lacking something.

Before you decide that your life sucks, its useful to explore what you’re measuring it against and whether your beliefs need readdressing.

Think of an area of your life that you’re not satisified with, for example, Partying, Money, Work-Life balance etc.

Then ask yourself these questions:

1. How do I know I haven’t got enough…..?

2. According to whom do I not have enough…..?

3. What areas of my life where I do not have enough…..?

4. What would I feel, see & hear if I had enough…..?

5. What has to happen for me to know I’m having the ideal level of…..?

6. How else could I know that I’m having….?

7. Who do I know who has the amount of ….. I want?

8. What do they do differently to me?

9. If someone was going to take on my life for a day, what would they have to do to ensure they have enough…..?

10. How much time each day do I spend devoted to working on improving my ….. in my life?

11. What am I willing to do to increase the amont of ….. in my life?

12. What could I give up in order to get more ….. in my life?

Summary

1. Identifying a subconcious limiting belief can be a liberating feeling in itself

2. Beliefs are learnt in childhood and adolescence as a way of helping us navigate the world.

3. Beliefs have enormous power to shape our lives and influence our thoughts and behaviours.

4. If we want to change our lives we have to examine and change our beliefs

5. Beliefs must be challenged to discover whether they are a hindrance or a benefit to our current lives.

6. Its possible to reprogramme our minds with positive beliefs and a positive mental attitude.

One last tip. I actually find it helpful when challenging beliefs to think of something that seems ridiculous to me that other people believe and then apply the same energy to my own limiting belief.

Thats all for now

Lewis

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