Unlocking the quiet Gift of Listening

I’m sat at a table opposite a middle aged woman explaining to her the management of some random surgical condition.

Her head is cradled in her palm supported by her elbow on the table. Her eyes are heavy and close intermittently, her breathing is slow and sighing.

She’s just asked me a question yet appears to have decided to take a nap as I’ve started talking.

If this was a normal conversation and not my final Medical School exam, I would have assumed she didn’t care and exited the conversation immediately.

Of all the examination stations I’ve had this is the one I feel most confident about. Yet as this Consultant Surgeon dozes off my mind fills with doubt and questions flood in,

• Am I boring her?

• Is she listening?

• Is she just really tired and needs sleep?

• This is my final exam to determine whether I’m going to be a doctor or not, what could be more important than this?

My relief and confidence on hearing the question dissolves into Anxiety and Despair.

I’m thinking, please acknowledge me!

A second of eye contact, a nod or smile would have been all I needed for reassurance.

I know what I’m saying is right, WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME!

Luckily my internal cries don’t detract from my knowledge and presentation of the condition.

It turns out she was just suffering from extreme doziness and was in fact listening to my answer enough to give me top marks.

My point is that listening has a major impact on people.

We can technically hear what people are saying but without demonstrating the receipt of listening there is no refund for the speaker.

The Gift of Listening

As a doctor I’m wired to want to help people and I used to feel really dejected when I met someone that had a problem I couldn’t resolve.

However with experience I got better at listening to people. Even when I didn't technically do anything to fix their problem they would say ‘thank you for listening’.

This made me realise that listening itself is a gift, why else would one say thank you?

When you truly listen you are receiving what the other person is communicating to you. You’re opening a clear channel for them to connect with you and feel heard.

As children we used to play and delight with ‘walkie talkies’

Think about what’s actually happening here…

We would lose our my minds with excitement due to the simple confirmation that words we had spoken were received by someone out of ear shot and out of sight.

“Copy”

Unless we are telepathic we really have no idea whether the other person is actually listening without some form of confirmation.

In fact top tier listening is often aknowledged as akin to telepathy.

The main barrier I’ve discovered to listening effectively is that we are more focused on ourselves than we are on the person in front of us.

How the mind processes Listening

The conscious mind has a limited capacity to process 40-50 bits of information per second.

If our mind is occupied with our own thoughts there is no room to receive any more information.

Therefore we are unable to respond to what the person is saying in a meaningful way.

The more socially adept among us have learned how to trick people into thinking we are listening with:

• Non-verbal cues

• Non-lexical utterances (hmm, ah)

• Even stock phrases- "damn thats crazy".

These can be used genuinely as well, but how do we know?

The thing is we can trick the persons concious mind (40-50 bits) but we cannot trick their unconcious mind.

The unconcious mind can process 11 million bits of information every second. It doesn't miss a trick.

On the surface (concious) level you may think the person is listening but unconciously you know they are not.The conscious mind has a limited capacity to process 40-50 bits of information per second.

Consider the 2 scenarios in the above graphic.

1) The listeners mind is focused on themselves or anything other than what the speaker is saying. The message is not received and is lost to the void. The speaker feels annoyed.

2) The listeners mind is focused on what the speaker is saying. They then send a subconcious signal to the speaker that their message has been heard. The speaker feels gratitude and love.

4 Levels of Listening

In order to learn how to listen to improve or grow any relationship, its useful to consider the different levels and types of listening.

There are a few different models out there which you may have come across. I’ve created my own levels from 1 to 4 to help with understanding the process of giving the gift of listening.

Level 1- Fake Listening

The listeners attention is directed on their inner mind chatter.

Their own thoughts are all encompassing, this might include:

• Judgement

• Internal monologue.

• Ideas

• Opinions

• Solutions

These spring up into the mind and block the speakers message. Imagine them as playing lock down defence on the speaker to prevent them from the listeners full presence.

Example

I've told a patient I need to read their notes for a moment, but they immediately start talking about something else. Whilst they are speaking I continue to read and try and figure out their medical history.

Both parties need to be aware of this kind of listening and how to avoid it from happening.

They as the speaker have not recognised I’m not listening because they are too absorbed in what they want to say.

I as the listener I've let them continue whilst I'm reading instead of making them aware my attention is currently elsewhere.

Fake listening is a common cause of Relationship Conflict

The onus is on the listener to recognise when they are not listening and make sure the speaker is aware of this.

If they pretend they are listening via fake non-verbal cues then the speaker has plausible deniability to continue speaking. Also if the speaker recognises the fakeness they fairly become annoyed and walk away.

It takes practice to develop this skill but its important to avoid adversely affecting the relationship.

Level 2- Mis-Match Frequency Listening

The listeners attention is directed towards the speaker. They listen with a selective frequency that only partially crosses over to the frequency of the speaker.

The signal is choppy and fuzzy so only the information thats interesting or relevant to the listeners frequency gets through.

The speakers message is incomplete. The listener is filtering information through their own interests. They may be listening only so they can respond to the part about them.

From Mis-match frequency listening you can move up or down the listening levels depending on the situation.

Example

Girlfriend: “OMG YOU’RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE WHATS HAPPENED?!”

Me: *Turns fixing my attention on her, listening intently to her words and tone, watching her body language carefully, realises something epic has happened, questions whether own life may be impacted*

Me: WHAT?!”

Girlfriend: “Taylor Sw..”

Me: *Mind disconnected, reverts to fake listening*

Level 3-  Active Listening

So now we’ve dicussed what not to do, lets get into what to do.

At this level the listener moves out of passivity and actively tries to listen and understand what the speaker is saying.

Think of this as playing Tennis. They are serving and you are returning the ball back to them. You have to focus on the ball, you can’t be looking anywhere else or you’ll miss it or screw up your return.

The listener is engaged in the speaker and not thinking about themselves.

They can evidence their listening by paraphrasing, reflecting or asking clarifying questions.

This is the ideal level to be at for normal everyday conversations with people we are trying to maintain positive relationships with.

5 Tips for Active Listening

1. Focus- Concentrate your undivided attention on them.

2. Don’t interrupt- Suppress the urge to interrupt whilst they are speaking, wait until they’ve finished, if what you were going to say is still important you will have remembered it.

3. Clarify- If you don’t fully understand ask them to clarify their meaning.

4. Silence - Count to 3 after you think the person has finished speaking whilst maintaining eye contact. This gives them a chance to complete their thought before it goes. They may end up addressing something you were just about to ask or mention.

5. Reflect - Summarise their main point and reflect it back to them for maximum effect. You can do this intermittently throughout the conversation to demonstrate listening.At this level the listener moves out of passivity and actively tries to listen and understand what the speaker is saying.

Level 4- Sensory Listening

This is the ‘Plus Ultra’ level, this is going beyond.

At this level the listener doesn’t just hear but actually feels the message being communicated. They use all five senses in combination to form the sixth sense of intuition.

Intuition utilises the power of our unconcious mind, which remember processes 11 million bits of information per second.

The information the unconscious mind picks up on is passed to the conscious mind in the form of intuition.

This is where we can pick up on the general vibe of the speaker. It goes deeper than just words and provides insights on their emotions, intentions and energy.

Listeners who feel this intuitive sensation will often say things like, “I don’t know why, but I just get this feeling that…”

Then the speaker will be like, “How did you know?”. This goes back to my point about telepathy.

Tips for Sensory Listening

Sensory listening is more of an abstract art so bare with me.

We can increase the time spent at this level with practice and the right mindset.

Here’s how:

Completely immerse into the speaker, they’re not only the most interesting person in the world, in this moment they are the world.

Remember ACE. They are serving you’re trying to ACE the return.

• Acceptance

• Curiosity

• Empathy

These three things, are basically key to sensory level listening.

Acceptance

Whilst you are listening you may feel the urge to react. Practice noticing this is the first step. Once you are consistently able to notice it you must pause at this exact moment and assess the urge for any judgement.

Let the judgement pass, this is Acceptance. Accept what they have said without judgement and continue to focus on them.

Regular mindfulness meditation practice will accelerate this process. Alternatively practice taking slow deep breathes any time you feel distracted. This will bring you into the present and heighten your sensory awareness.

Acceptance isn’t the same as just staying quiet. Even without speaking your body language and facial expression could still give you away, without you even knowing.

Mastering Acceptance keeps you in the present moment with the speaker.

Curiosity and Empathy

Curiosity and Empathy work in synergy together with curiosity being the seasoning that enhances empathies flavour.

Curiosity creates interest and investment which focuses attention and enables empathy. It also reduces judgement.

Empathise

• How do they feel about what they are saying?

• Remember they are the world in this moment

• What does this mean to them? 

• What do their non-verbal cues and energy feel like as they are speaking?

• How does this affect their life?

If you can keep this ACE cycle of Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy going you can stay in Level 4 listening for longer periods of time.

Example 

Girlfriend: “OMG YOU’RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE WHATS HAPPENED?!”

Me: Deep breath, Mental pause, turns to face her, prepares to receive energy

Me: WHAT?!

Girlfriend: “Taylor Swift…”

Me: deep breath, Mental pause — Acceptance

Me: She really loves Taylor Swift, this must be really exciting news for her, what could it be — Empathy and Curiosity

The conversation continues I’ll spare you the details but she’s happy and the relationship improves.

Summary

Listening is the ultimate gift that you can give people. Its a way of acknowledging someone and showing that you care about them. This is a very basic human need which is the key to building relationships.

Listening as a gift is more than just simply hearing what the person is saying. Its creating space for them within yourself and allowing them to express themselves fully within this.

The mind processes listening on concious and unconcious levels. We need to ensure we are recieving the message and reflecting it back along both these levels.

Remember the 4 Levels of Listening

1. Fake Listening

2. Mis-Match Frequency Listening

3. Active Listening

4. Sensory Listening

Thankyou for reading

Thats all for now

Lewis

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